Sunday, June 08, 2003

ok.. i've been neglecting here for a long while.. let's go back to 5 jun my bdae... e 1st half.. or make it e 1st 3/4 of e day has been... erm.. quite gd? wad e class did was really amusing.. *sorry..* yupz.. n it's e 1st time i got a proper cake 4 myself.. other then e words on it.. 3/4 of jan's present is nice.. rather everythg is nice except for e 2 words... yang qian's earrings r nice 2.. i m wearing them.. =D

after jan's dismissed we went to taka n eat n tok all e way until near 8 pm.. dad called tell me to go down to hospital.. actually reluctant to go.. but seemed quite bad so i rushed down.. it was quite bad.. she's calling out every1 one by one.. sth like saying her lasts words.. den started to nt tok coherently.. well.. felt like crying, but cant do that in front of her.. so went out of e ward n cry.. den cousins say i cry too much.. so all i can do is to hold back my tears lor.. stood there watching her till 10+ cuz e head nurse chased us out.. actually i was going to b one of those to stay e night at e hospital.. but e many aunts look at me still in sch uniform n told me to go home.. sigh

nxt day i was bushed n damn sad la.. sorri to those i snapped at cuz i'm v v sad but ppl were giving me those guai lan smiles n 'hey jasmine happy belated bdae' etc etc.. sorri la.. after sch rushed to grandma's hse.. cuz my bro n uncles force e hospital to discharge her.. so she can at least die at home.. gp was realli happy. keep smiling.. when i asked whether he's happy gm's coming home.. he juz smile secretly n walk away.. he's realli happy when gm say anythg tt has reference to him.. but i guess it wun last long..

gm has strong heartbeat n breathes v well w/o e oxygen tank etc.. but she is nt well mentally.. she wun even open her eyes.. when she did she cant see us even though we r rite in front of her eyes.. she kept calling 4 her mum n dead sis etc etc.. there were 2 false alarms.. one yest nite n 1 e nite b4.. my uncles were saying we had all tot she wud go on 5th, it wud b better.. now she's suffering.. calling out n looking for her mum n sis-- wherever they r..

anyways, my aim to write alll these -- other than to let qianyi n co to noe wad i've been doing nowadays cuz i hafent been keeping in contact w/ them n missing lion heart n hc guitar concert -- is to console (i hope) jan.. jan dear.. i didnt want to crap here.. cuz i knew i'll b damn sad after tt.. but after reading ur blog.. i decided to tell u abt my gm here.. hopefully u haf e time to read tis.. hope that u'll rmb that no matter wad happen.. i'll b here.. n i noe wad e pain is like cuz i m going thru it too.. as u've said urself.. death is inevitable.. though i realli wished my gm wud wake up n everythg.. mayb it's better now for her to go-- at least, she need nt go thru all these suffering, conscious yet not quite, n toking gibberish all the while..

jan u muz eat k? dun fall sick or wadeva n add to ur parents' burden.. i dun realli noe wad to say cuz it wun help ur gm in any way.. but call me on my hp if u realli need some1 to tok to.. be strong..