Tuesday, August 15, 2006

i noe i havent posted in a lonng while.. sorry guys.. esp eugene who's SOOOO looking forward to my travelogue.. oppsy.. hmm will do a decent one when i get my photos.. ahha it's SUCH a long story tat i dun really feel like telling.. but ONE FINE DAY i'll sit down for like 3 h and tell everythg ok? plus the perth one too.. but until then.. wait.. ;P

not been feeling so cheery nowadays.. usually i m rather calm.. usually i can hold my temper quite well.. usually i can follow the philosophy of 'ren yi shi feng ping lang jing tui yi bu hai kuo tian kong' and DIE DIE oso dun argue (disclaimer: these rules do not apply to guys..) BUT BUT BUT.. now i fell like typing everythg in caps, bitching, and screaming to that person (lets call the person A aka lu ren jia).

i've nv thought i'll ever ever get so worked up against A. those who know me shd know tat i m a v sui bian de ren.. anythg goes one.. wun qiang qiu anythg.. and will give ppl leeway.. i will zhuan niu jiao jian.. but tat's usually to guys -- or most specifically bf (be it past or present or future) -- only.. to most ppl i wun nail them to the corner and make them nan zuo ren..

and i dun think i did. i got angry.. but i controlled it and gave xia tai de kong jian.. but A din c din feel din take it up. and made me more angry. i was SO angry that when i knew the last thg A did my face turned black immed (cue dark clouds) and even shopping cudnt appease me.. even spending 79 bucks (which is A LOT to me mind u) on a pair of super comfortable court shoes din appease me. i was so angry that i was practically trembling. i was so angry tat i was abt to dial A's no and call and ask what the heck is A doing. and nth cud appease me. i went to the lib and borrowed a book. and read and read and read. usually no matter how upset i m i feel MUCH better after getting my mind off the problem by doing sth else. but sorry no today the problem stayed there.. along with all my anger.. every break i have in reading (like flipping the pg) my mind floats to A and i start feeling a rolling sensation within me and i can juz feel my anger rising.. yes tis is bad until NOTHING helps..

i have thrown up like 20 options (ok make it like 5) on what i can do.. 1 thing's for sure. for today at least.. i m NOT going to let it pass by.. i might change my mind tml.. but i dun think so. i dun think i can suan le tis issue. i shd still think i m rather easy going. but easy going doesnt mean anyone can treat me what he/she deems fit. i think i deserve to be treated better.. so if i do confront A (which is likely unless some1 can dissuade me), i wun back down easily. and if A dont back down our relationship might end up being very strained.

secretly.. i do wish i was being oversensitive etc etc and over exaggerate the whole issue. the issue is nt tat bad but i interpreted it the wrong way. but no leh wo zuo kan you kan oso sound wrong. im reluctant to make any drastic measures cuz im non confrontational to start with (dont i sound lik,e i m trying to convince myself?). ok fine.. i might have ended up being more confrontational/aggressive in some sense after gg uk. i wud like to b treated equally rahter than b marginalised cuz of race/skin/sex wadeva.. which is why i m standing up more for myself.. i oso dunno what i m talking abt to be honest.. i m juz unhappy fullstop. and i wanna solve the problem. and i m nt da fang enough now to juz suan le the whole issue tho tat's the best way to nt hurt any1/the relationship.. shucks i hate myself

thgs i dun wan to hear in the confrontation:
vulgarities.. be it gals guys men women.. if u use vulgarities on me/ard me.. i'll say mind ur language (poor guys in so2a.. probably heard tat quite a few times). that's nt a v smart thg to say when u r quarrelling with some1 actually.. cuz usually i'll get sth along the lines of 'i say what i wanna say' + more vulgarities.. but i really do hate vulgarities and after that i'll shut up and shut off.. if the perosn i m talking to cant talk properly there's no pt in talking to him/her. hmmm.. but in A's case i might irritate A until A say sth tat is way outta line and then pounce on it and hang up.

i am still angry

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

blame it on pms.. tat's y i dun wanna back down n get more irritated.. in fact i dun mind blaming it on anythg as long as it gets me to where i want ie i misinterpreted everythg abt A. bu guan zhen yang so long le i oso dun wanna yi pai liang san.. but i wanna tao hui gong dao. if im wrong i'll apologise.. im nt so sure abt A tho.

ramble ramble. i m tired.. n i m grouchy. n i cant solve it. n i hate everythg.. lalala.. i believe i'll make a lot of posts after tis post so as to get it off my main blog pg.. but till then.. read how angry i m

ps. pls dun ask abt the matter or who A is. cuz i will 100% get the rolling feeling once again and then you'll hear me go on for like 1h. so for yr own safety juz stay away fr me ;)