Wednesday, November 08, 2006

time for a long long long blog entry. sorry i didnt update for such a long time. was going through a really bad patch recently (recently = few weeks ago). but im over it now :D
*
was feeling v sad/empty/lonely during the beginning of the term.
i can be cheerful and smiley and happy the whole day --
chatting away online, to friends, to juniors.
talking helps to fill in the silence that is resonating in me.
but no matter how happy/noisy i am,
or i make myself seem, in the day,
none of the 'happiness' is felt at night.
and that makes the emptiness worse.
cuz at night your guard is down,
and you are alone,
and you juz sink
and wallow
and drown
in emptiness....
and no one can save you....
*
so yupz. was crying myself to sleep everyday and super emotional for no reason. and i was missing home TERRIBLY. home -- where i can be who i am, where i can be COMFORTABLE being who i am, where i dont have to force myself grow up so as to meet the emotional age of those around me. haiz. which is why i love the year 1s so much - because i can be the da jie to them, and because i can link with them more easily. though the latter reason might not hold (i've this theory that scholars think alot.. and most of the yr 1s are scholars). but anyhow, i miss being me, and i sorta forgot what the real me should be. i have been trying so hard to grow up to have an opinion to do everything that i dunno whether i am doing it because i want to or because everybody else does it.
*
those who know me will know that i dont have much preferences/opinions. im generally fine with most things. but it feels like a SIN here not to have and opinion cuz everyone has opinions and strongly believes in them. well i cant help not having an opinion -- i m like an economist too much. both sides of the coin makes sense and i wont want to choose one side over the other. and when i do have opinions and it contradicts what other people thinks, i always think tat mine is wrong, and ended up taking the other person's preference. and this is why i think i have lost myself.
*
ok this is like totally different from the emptiness stuff. but i think i m thinking more (good and bad thg -- c i still cant make up my mind) and as angela says 'i am going philosophical'. and i wish i am not. gone are the days where i can do what i think is right without explaning to everyone and desparately wanting people to agree with me. why? because i feel marginalised and brushed off. and 'im in the situation because i let myself be' *cringe* and formal to me is not using singlish and have proper sentence structures etc etc. not all the (i deem as) pretentious stuff that people do.
and i cant change immediately
and i like myself the way i am
but it is not good enough i guess
haiz
*
blah blah..
*
and so this will be the start.
for me to find myself.
to know what i want.
or to know that i dun want to have an opinion and i can be proud it (ok this one's a bit tough)

-------------------------

enough with the philo crap.
*
whats up in my life:
*
i m hating living off campus. i hate that there's no where i can go to in the day and travelling home and out takes a hell lot of time. i hate the fact that i have more contact with the outside world (ie outside warwick) and hence i get more funny stuff that i'd love to ignore and pretend they dun exist. i hate the fact tat i can leave my house at 805am and not get back until 9pm cuz of lessons and career presentations and dunno wad else
*
hmm i ran for singapore society vice pres and got secretary (blur blur get secretary haiz). and that's like the only commitment i have outside of studies. i havent exercised AT ALL, unless u take the 10min from my house to the bus stop as exercising. in fact, ive been so lazy that i did not pay for sports federation and thus i cant go into the sports hall at all. been koping ppl's card to go in. haha. and so i'll so so die for notts games (this sports competition organised by nottingham university for all singaporean undergrads in uk). this year 1 called benjamin is going to start a floorball club. so YAY!
*
er. and internship apps? and work? shall die in wk 10. cuz i've 3 tests + 1 big assignment.
*
wanna go home. but scared tat i wun wanna leave home after i go back. so trying v v hard to find work here.

--------------------------

ok more philo crap (just a bit more i guarantee -- cuz i needta do work)
*
i think i prefer part 2 of my blog ie the non philo stuff, cuz it hides what i feel deep down. i mean u can be sad but it's better than u pretend nt to be rite? at least there're some pts when u can almost delude yourself into thinking that u are happy. it's a bit like how rainy days correspond to sadness but u dun really wan it to be pouring and flooding when u r sad (ok i do cuz i like rain but tats besides the pt).
*
alright i think i have blogged a hell lot.. haha.. till the next time when i have time (n mood) to blog~~